I am before the end going to not die and do all the things I've said.  Writing down the things I've saved and singing the songs I've gritted my teeth through not giving up on.   And not giving up means a lot of things when faced with ugliness and despair and grief and anger and pain and relief that maybe I'm not the only one going through it...  so I shoo it away -the feeling of urgency as if it were no emergency - the need to get it all down because these issues are far more important until the day comes before the end when I say I am ....  only asking for one more day and He says "I'm sorry you can not stay."  And I watch it all melt away. And so today...  while there's still time to pray...  I am before the end only asking for one more day.  To really do it. 

questions. so many questions.

and if this is the digging page am I supposed to dig out the answers. 

it's for digging....  

excavating emotions that lead to thoughts that lead to answers....

thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts 

are compacted into and on top of and around and behind feelings so I can't get to them 

because they are recycled into small blocks of matter tied with a string...

usually you can just pull the string and the matter comes trickling out with sharp edges 

cutting and slicing through the flesh of thought 

but it's not happening today because a mattress of fluff has grown around the thoughts around the matter and I can't get to the string.  

there are no answers because the fluff just spreads itself around, there's no digging through it....

... it created itself to protect my ideas ...... from  the matter that's sharper and will hurt me I fear...    so the fluff is here to keep me pink... not bloody yet.  I think.  

and this is digging. 

stone stew

Tears could wash it clean

Fists could break it open

Hurtful curses could translate meaning. 

But silence is the padlock 

On the drawbridge leaning

against the fortress hiding my family dream. 

And what would be shown 

if I scaled the wall in ninja clothes

and peeled away a piece of stone?

Would I finally see the small lady crying? 

Or a cold granite statue steadily applying fake hair and flesh 

blankly smiling 

while fetching the cobble fodder 

to make stone stew. 

Would I climb away knowing the dream was a ruse? 

Or would I crawl inside and want to be rock too? 

the other way

Wondering what it would be like today if you had gone the other way,

I am left to ask myself if I am really here pondering this year,  

Or am I just a question quivering in fear?   

Could I have stood my ground? 

Or would there be another me shrinking down 

into an abyss of misery still? 

Would it be my will to stay that way or could I rise up and face another day,

had you gone the other way? 

Being we are so intertwined....

I find it hard to unwind the answers that coil up inside 

our bodies, soul and mind 

and even though you are far away in miles

you are sitting with me all the while, in a small chair, close to my heart

and we talk every minute as though we're not apart.... 

If you had said no.  And chosen to go...

Would that chair be empty still

or filled by an impostor ignoring your nameplate? 

But the question I am postulating is not about love 

or rightful ownership of chairs....

It's about me and who I am there 

sitting beside you.  

What am I made of? 

Would I be okay now, if you had left me, love?

A fierce cry within me hollers yes! 

But the real me...

the real me knows best. 

a tiny breath in '02

Give me my heart back, you cocksucker. 

You are not my lover 

You are a mugger

And you've mugged me

of my dreams

of my youth

of my love

my life

my truth

and indignant is how you stand

in this courtroom of lies

in front of our judge of sand

But there's a yellow light that shines through the cracks

of this dark wooden coffin.  It streams through the slats - 

riding on a mini whisper...

like a shiny red ribbon uncoiling through thick back silt...

The shock of what I've just done

By the sword of sheer words...

Spearing freedom!

A tiny breath in a lifetime of asphyxiation. 

revelation

all alone 

i sit in darkness

the night penetrates my soul

i am lost

where there are no empty corners

the streetlight's dim, then gone.

I am wrenched dry of every tear I've cried.

Still left with myself and nowhere to hide

and the shadows lie

where light has died.

clouds from above,

from heaven,

crash to the ground

choking earth

while I writhe 

in thickness

wrapped tightly in this cloth of air

finding it hard to breathe 

the truth

the lurks alone like me.